


There’s more about you

by aboutmikasa (Coco_c)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Physical Pain, titans and blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 05:59:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5731972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coco_c/pseuds/aboutmikasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt by muffinchops96: An expedition goes wrong, Jean suffers the consequences and Mikasa feels responsible. The world can be really cruel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There’s more about you

That day, they were returning from an exploratory mission, nothing extraordinary had happened and the sun shined on a warm spring day. Missions always carried casualties, but the effectiveness of Erwin’s strategies had avoided direct encounters with big groups of titans. In that particular expedition, Eren took the biggest risk in his titan form; the boy rested after a long day under the caring eyes of his two closest friends. On their trip back to the wall, they had a minute of calm; Jean laughed at Connie’s antics, mimicking Sasha while she tried to cut a peach. 

Mikasa was there too with the shadow of a smile threatening to curl her lips. Her hair flowing with the horse’s movements; her scarf around her neck, moving with alluring pace. Jean wanted to tell her something but a black flare alerted them and he watched her moving away from him in one second. Mikasa rode towards Eren; the boy, resting unconscious in one cart. Captain Levi approached her and gave her instructions, she nodded at his command in that silent and peculiar manner of hers.

Jean followed her movements, reaching the rest of his own team, and tried to see at the distance if the aberrant was in sight.

“Jean, move to the left with your squad, Captain Levi wants you protecting Eren. We’ll take rearguard,” Mikasa sounded firm and he noticed the seriousness on her face. She had faced dangers before, still, something didn’t seem right and Jean had a similar uneasiness in his guts.

“He’ll be fine…”

“Jean…”

He nodded as an answer and she fixed her gear. “Mikasa, be safe.”

But she had left and he spoke to the wind.

He should be used to by then; that woman had the habit of commanded him even if both shared the rank. She could handle a deviant—and if she needed help, Captain Levi would be there. They worked as a team and a pinch of jealousy filled him; he wanted to be the one teaming with her. Jean sighed, more important matters claimed his immediate attention. The second black flare came from the right and his heart hammered as he watched a third, fourth and fifth signal. Five deviants coming from everywhere and they had wounded soldiers and tired horses; his eyes searched for something high enough to help them in the upcoming battle and found nothing but an open field.

Each member of his squad took their position in the formation, waiting for the titans. The Special Operations Squad moved forward with Levi and Mikasa in the middle, while Jean did the same but in the opposite direction. He didn’t belong to Levi’s squad anymore, now he had his own team; they looked at him, moving according to his instructions. The first aberrant was Sasha’s old acquaintance, the creature chased them dangerously fast in all fours; too fast and unpredictable. Jean watched her red scarf swaying. Mikasa and the Captain seemed to dance in the air; their attack as usual, fierce and implacable, finished the titan in a heartbeat. The Special Ops squad gained time for his team to adjust their tactic, and get ready to attack. Jean prepared himself, containing his breathing when the second deviant appeared; Connie accompanied him at his right, a simple glance between them and his friend and subordinate knew what to do. The young Squad Leader assessed the situation and used the titan’s height, propelling his body and giving rope to his gear, flying over the creature. Jean shifted his weight, falling fast; Connie mimicked his motion and they cut the shit out the titan’s neck. Without higher constructions or trees the landing wasn’t even or graceful, though.

A rock “cushioned” the impact, and his ribs almost cracked, but Jean and Connie stood by their own feet, just in time to face more titans. The Surveys Corp took three deviants down when hell rose; three more came at the same time. A fifteen-meter type approached, and Jean saw it running towards the wounded soldiers’ cart. Mikasa sliced another one and as soon as the titan fell, her eyes searched for Eren; she was too far from them and an electric storm burst inside of her. No horse could reach the distance in time, but she didn’t take it as the only answer. Jean ran as fast as he ever did, his abdomen ached from his previous fall but he mounted his horse with one only goal in mind; the girl behind him dismounted her horse, using the titan’s corpses to move faster with her gear, and shortening the distance. After an impeccable landing, she jumped on Connie’s horse.

The kind of maneuvers they did required special and advanced techniques and Levi screamed, ordering to the rest of the soldiers to move, granting them space—and hoping to avoid more casualties. As they went to Eren’s help, their Captain dealt with the last aberrant by his own.

Jean watched Sasha standing in the cart with Eren and Armin, and at least five bad-shaped soldiers, waving her blades in a protective manner; Armin forced the beasts but the weight didn’t help their demeanor. Hanji had been in the front, and her horse drew near to them, followed by Moblit, but they wouldn't arrive on time. Mikasa and Jean were the only chance. Any other time, Jean would have bet she would handle the attack easily; but, life had taught him better and their odds faded with every second; they needed to work as a team if they wanted to succeed. They ran side by side, their bodies as forward as possible, fastening the horses.

For one second, he let his eyes wander to her, Mikasa reeked of determination, and once again her confidence reached Jean. With the creature charging towards the horses, Armin kept trying to take the cart to the other side. No matter how cool she acted, Jean knew her and her tensed frame reeked fear. They needed to be calm. With the advantage in the opposite side, they had to act smart, and Mikasa told him to move to the left while she would use the titan, hoping to make it go in another direction. If she cut one leg, Jean could reach and slice its neck. They had a single and risky chance. Mikasa had made the same move with Levi, and Jean nodded in agreement, breathing hard and kissing his blades. Sasha always mocked him, calling the gear his girlfriend; stupid or not, he got accustomed to his little ritual when the hardships of battle emerged.

The deviant was too close to Eren when they reached it. Jean watched her piercing the titan’s skin without effort and flying to do her part. The titan slammed its hand as if it wanted to smack her; Mikasa flew again, and the titan changed his route but remained in the same route. She needed to stop it, and Mikasa spun in the air cutting in circles; the signature of her mentor. Jean took his place in their plan, going right for the neck. But they didn’t imagine what would happen next. Hanji cautioned them when fighting deviants, warning them about the unforeseeable of his behavior. The titan twisted its torso, trapping Jean and pulling him down. The boy had little space to react, but the force was sending him with the titan in the cart’s direction; trusting his 3D maneuver gear ability, he got through the creature's limbs, tilting his body and bending down. He listened to a distant “DON’T!” coming from her; a warning, but they ran out of time. He didn't do it out of recklessness; Eren, Armin, Sasha and five or more soldiers were on that cart, and Eren was the last hope of humanity. Jean speeded-up with his remaining gas, moving under the titan. As he cut clean and deep its neck, the creature’s head fell.

“JEAN!”

He heard a million of branches cracking, then, darkness surrounded him.

The world stopped at that very moment.

 

.

-x-

.

 

Nothing more than chaos and pain, an excruciating pain devouring every inch of his body.

The world swirled and Jean didn’t understand what happened, was happening or would happen. Shadows and fainting voices dulled him, and he tried to open his eyes but his body didn’t listen to his commands. His chest rose and Jean noticed when he  _ breathed in and breathed out _ ; a series of slow and desperate contractions in his chest reminded him he was alive, not because he breathed, but because he needed more air. Maybe, if he could sleep the fogginess would go away, maybe then his body would rest.

The sound coming from his mouth scared him to no end. He had heard similar noises before, a choked and painful grunt, calling the death. The kind of noises that haunted him for years, soldiers dying and crying in pain. Men and women unable to speak and tell anyone around them their last words for relatives and friends. It finally hit him. He would die bleeding in pain and it would be a slow death, same as many others.

Tears fell and he prayed for a faster end.

The life he dreamed vanished, and he thought about his mother, his friends and  _ her _ .

“Jean, resist. We’re almost there,” Mikasa comforted him.

He opened his eyes as a reflex, the pink blurry image and her soft voice gave him a little peace. The last thing he would hear was the familiar voice he loved, and he thanked to whoever listened to his prayers. With every fiber in his body, he tried to speak and tell her, but failed in his attempts. His fingers trembled in despair and Mikasa took his hand.

“Be strong, buddy, you’ll have time to tell her. I know you’ll have.” Someone’s voiced cracked and his eyes searched for the source.

A second figure became a bit clearer and Jean watched Connie trying to stop his own crying. He was lucky to have two of the most important people in his life around him. He wouldn’t die alone. As he clenched his fingers around her hand, a heavy dizziness struck him and he closed his eyes.

 

.

-x-

.

 

The sunlight coming from the window awoke him and the young soldier wondered, again, if he had a reason to stay alive. He didn’t die, but it wasn’t much different from a living hell. His movements sent electrifying bolts to his nerves, and he wished the doctor would have authorized a strong dose of painkillers; his cry of pain died in his throat. Jean grimaced and the nurse offered him water. He should be dead; he was dead for one month if anyone asked him. After too many screams of pain and bitter cries, begging for a merciful death, he realized he wouldn’t ever be the same. 

Another two months, with longer hair and unshaved beard, Jean took the crutch and tried to reach the rehabilitation devices. His brow furrowed with every step.

It seemed like a lifetime had passed.

They doped him with morphine for days, and when he finally opened his eyes, she was putting flowers in a vessel. His voice, croaky and wheezy, startled her; Jean wanted to call her name but said “ _ water _ ”, instead. For the first time in his life, Mikasa Ackerman smiled right to him and he closed his eyes afraid to be dreaming.

He was wrong. He was so wrong.

 

.

-x-

.

 

The first time he felt a pang of shame, Mikasa helped the nurse with his bandages and no matter how much he fought, tears of pain ran down his face, and more than one cry came from his mouth. He tried to be brave, showing her he could overcome his situation—that he wasn’t done. Nonetheless, his body was falling apart. When the titan crushed him, his ribs pierced his lungs, and above all, he had broken bones, a nasty open fracture of his proximal femur, lacerations on his back and legs, wounds on his forehead and dislocated shoulders. The external fixation of the bone exposed him to many risks, and the infection almost killed him.

He would never be the same. Six months to heal, and the doctor said it clearly, after that he would keep needing rehabilitation and the odds weren’t in his favor for a full mobility recovery. Without full mobility, he wouldn’t be able to use the gear, and without the gear, he was useless for the Surveys Corps. That was the second time Mikasa saw him crying but it was a deeper type of pain. He dropped his back on the bed, arms outstretched, exhausted, defeated, and scared. He should be happy to be alive, having the chance to hug his mother again, but he wasn’t a better man. It took him years to master the three-dimensional gear, and his ability granted him a place in the military, belonging to something important. He believed in greater good, he wanted to save humanity. He wanted to fight with his friends and comrades. Yes, he wanted, yet, he failed.

The overwhelming thoughts deprived him of air. He failed to humanity, his squad, and his friends. He failed to Marco and every friend he lost by titans. Above all, he failed to himself. And she saw it. Jean wanted to be a man worthy of her, and here he was, crying like a baby—defeated and worthless.

“Jean, I’m so sorry.” She sat next to his bed, her voice like a whisper, and he sank down himself in a void of sorrow.

Jean turned his face avoiding her gaze, too ashamed of his weakness, “Please go, Mikasa,” His words trembled and a growl of frustration followed as Jean closed his elbows, digging his hands into his hair.

“I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“It’s over, Mikasa. I’m not a soldier anymore. I’m so fucking useless now.” He was below the titan again, but without a goal, this time he had no confidence to make it.

“I’m so sorry Jean…” She whispered, her eyes never left his. “ This… is my fault.” She took a long pause as if she needed time to put her thoughts in order. “I should have known better. Since that day the same questions keep on spinning in my mind. What if…”

“That’s why you keep coming?” Jean interrupted her, “Because you think is your fault? Do you pity me, Mikasa?” He faced her and despite his effort, the man couldn’t sit on the bed at his first try. The rising rage within him was another symptom of his despair.

“No!”

“Just go, please… Mikasa…” She fixed her big black eyes on him, waiting for his words. “Don’t come back.”

Before leaving the room and standing with the knob in her hand, she muttered her answer; Jean listened to her loud and clear, though. “I’ll be here as soon as we’ll return from tomorrow’s expedition.”

And she did; Mikasa kept visiting him, against his initial request.

She visited as she told him and for one month he asked her to leave and never come back. Then, she had another mission; she said a couple of days, yet, one week passed without notices of her. The fear in his bones was stronger than his anger or physical pain; however, the fear and his rage faded as she crossed the door, carrying flowers. Jean never asked to stop her visits again.

With every month scars covered his external wounds, but his leg didn’t recover in full. Mikasa accompanied him the day the physician told him what he already knew. The sadness in his eyes was different this time, deeper and without anger as if he gave up one last hope.

“There is much more about you, Jean.”

Jean lifted his eyes and Mikasa’s fingers wiped a teardrop; the warmth of her hand stayed on his face. Her expression was priceless, and Jean smiled. For so long he had known she wasn’t good with words, but he understood how desperately she tried to comfort him. His hug surprised her but the girl wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight and easing his pain. He rested his face on her shoulder, allowing himself to be afraid and weak in front of her.

 

.

-x-

.

 

“The nurse says you keep hitting on her.”

Jean closed his eyes, refusing to look at the door—and her. He sighed, taking a moment to be thankful because she returned safely. Since  _ that _ day, Mikasa’s visits were constant, especially after their missions.

“She’s the one hitting on me.” She rolled her eyes and he smiled. “What are you doing here, anyway? Shouldn’t you be resting?”

“I’m waiting for your answer.”

“You already had my answer.”

“Hanji ain’t taking no for an answer."

Mikasa had had a lot to say about his future, and she could be stubborn about it. Her first option implied working with Shadis and the recruits. Then, she suggested the government with Historia. He said no to both, and her last offer was the matter of her insistence, remaining with the Surveys Corps as a 3D gear trainer.

“One hell of a trainer,” he pointed to his cane.

“I told you, that’s not an issue. You understand how to work as a team and take everyone into consideration. And.” She smiled, making a little pause, “the 3D gear loves you.”

“I don’t have a team anymore, Mikasa.” Jean watched her changing her expression; she sat, crossing her arms and legs, making obvious her annoyance. He sighed, “No water for me anymore?”

Mikasa put water in the previously discarded glass and slid it on the table, right to his hand, all while staring at the wall. Then, she crossed her arms again, remaining in silence for several minutes, after which she spoke with a slightly hurt voice tone.

“You have a team; you have always had a team.” She stared down and clenched her hands on her lap. “Historia came every night before your surgery and put wet towels on your forehead. Sasha cooks omelets for you to make you feel at home. Armin fixed your cane because you told him it was uncomfortable. Eren… yes, Eren comes to make you company in his spare time. Connie has done everything he can to help you, and he had the idea of having you as a trainer. I talked to Levi and he agrees with us, so does Commander Zoe; not because we’re sorry, you should know better.”

For months they had done more than that for him, Jean knew it.

He was supposed to be a soldier; he was supposed to be a military police officer and had a peaceful life in the inner wall, though. Jean had thought about her proposition a lot. It was a way better choice than having no prospects, plans or anything to do in the near future; training soldiers would be a sort of help, remaining near his friends and her. But he was afraid, what if he failed again. What if he couldn’t have even that?

“What if I can’t?” He said without realizing.

“What if you can?” How could she always be so confident around him? Mikasa Ackerman made him trip over his words, she made him anxious, awkward and a fool. Jean didn’t deny her flaws, but something about her made him believe.

“Mikasa, I don’t know.”

“The Surveys Corp needs you.”

“And you?”

Why did he ask her something like that, so sudden? He loved her and she had been his support, but not even once she had implied something more than friendship. Once, Mikasa said she had no heart or time to spare, and perhaps he was an idiot, but he believed he had a little tiny place in her life. He knew her heart had belonged to someone else, but he needed to know, even if her reply didn’t impact his decision. Maybe because he wanted to hear that he had no chance or the closest to those words.

“I want you with us.”

 

.

-x-

.

 

“It’s been awhile, right?” Mikasa asked.

“Ten months and five days.”

She fixed her gear, and he sighed before doing the same with his own equipment.

“I’m not sure I can, Mikasa.”

“You can try, right?” She spoke with confidence and her softest voice. “Jean, I’m not saying, this will be easy. But, they’ve improved our equipment and we can go one step at the time. We’ll do this together.”

He remembered Connie’s words and nodded in agreement.

Jean wanted to save her and become her hero, but life worked in its own ways; Mikasa saved him and became his hero. He handed her the papers of his new charge; a bittersweet victory was still a victory. He fired the grapple hooks to a tree and activating the gas mechanism, he felt the air reeling forward. Just like that, the tightness of his chest decreased—and after ten months, he finally breathed. Jean felt rusty and those weren’t his best movements; actually, that was his worst performance ever, but in order to train the rookies he needed to try and kept trying. Mikasa moved faster and he smiled again, knowing she was doing  _ this _ with him.

One step at the time.


End file.
